I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
