We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
