Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
