if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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