i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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