omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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