Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
