I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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