I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
