Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
