a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
