I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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