Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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