The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
