just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
