We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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