So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
