I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
