o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
