At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
