; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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