I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Also, beer. Big fan.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
