i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
