WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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