I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
