I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
