my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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