Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
