I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
