The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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