Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
