I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
