i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
