she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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