We're like a lot better than the average bears
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We just shotgunned beers for America
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
