I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
