Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
we're so committed to being not committed
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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