Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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