Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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