i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
