Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
and i looked up. we had an audience...
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
