I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
