When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
