No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
