I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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