Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
