gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
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