on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
