I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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