What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
