dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
